“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all
men [people] are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator [whatever power they believe in] with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
– The Declaration of Independence
I think it’s a good time to revisit that paragraph, with two tiny adjustments. While “we” have these truths that are self-evident, I have some not-necessarily-truths that I hold to be self-evident, really Amanda-evident. I call these my theories–though I know I am using this word broadly, and likely incorrectly. That’s okay. To me, they’re true. And not in the way that Kyrie Irving “believes” the earth is flat. And not in the way that Trump believes…anything. They’re true to me because in my world they work.
1. You can never buy too many bananas. I always overbuy bananas. They’re maybe the last food in the grocery store that costs cents and is still filling. The price-gouging on oranges is crazy. If bananas start to go brown, no worries–you freeze them for smoothies or you make banana bread. Who doesn’t love banana bread?
2. If my parents have taught me anything it’s this. When you run out of napkins, it’s time to get Chipotle. Chipotle is delicious. And so are their napkins. Kidding. But somehow those are the napkins that always end up on the Doran dinner table and now the Doran Eby table.
3. In commercials for TV shows, there are too many shots of people just turning around and looking, doing nothing else. Good luck not seeing this now.
4. When I get goosebumps, my leg hair grows back. I try not to shave my legs when I know I am going to be cold that day. This is coupled with the fact that I don’t shave my legs very often. All girls school trains you to know what matters in life. All girls school that encourages wearing knee-high socks trains you to know you only shave your knees and the bottoms of your thighs.
5. Men are not fully cooked until they’re at least 24. I think this is something someone told me when I was dating guys younger than 24–so maybe not my own theory. But it’s silly to waste time crying over guys who aren’t ready to…be. I know I don’t have many teenaged female readers but for my cousin Maggie, Samantha Tumminello, and maybe a random or two, this could be helpful. They don’t mean to be ass holes, they just are.
6. Annoyances unite strangers like nothing else. I am sure that tragedy does as well but I am lucky to not know this firsthand at this point. This summer when Chas and I were driving back from Ocean City, we approached a full stop on route 50. A tree had fallen on the road, smashed the hood of a car, and stopped all of the Saturday drivers. Luckily no one was seriously hurt. When everyone realized the status of our Saturday, we got out of cars and chatted. We analyzed. We leaned on cars like it was 1959. And then when a couple cars left our new club and drove the wrong way down the shoulder and got GOT, we chuckled then gasped in unison when we realized that an ambulance had tried to drive around those idiots and fell into an embankment. When the tree was removed and the hood-smashed car scooted to the side, we celebrated together, high fived, said goodbye. New friends. Ever been in a long line at a bank (Does anyone still go inside the bank?)? People love to unite over long lines. In 2008 when I was in line to vote in the presidential election (simpler times), someone started a strangers-in-an-annoying-situation-conversation with “If this was a white neighborhood, we would’ve voted by now.” I wanted to yell “yea!” along with everyone else but thought that might be taken in the wrong way. Still, we were united in that line.
7. Once you join my web, I will envelop you. Maybe less of a theory and more of a truth. If Aub and I get you to join our book club, before you know it, you’re on the basketball team, you’re running a race with us, you’re texting my mom, you’re getting a masters degree. I realize this is how friendships work but I also know that I pull my peeps close in every way that they’ll let me. And nothing makes my heart warmer than my friends becoming friends with one another, or with my parents. (Other masters of this skill: Mary Colleen and Alice)
8. It’s better to have a full trunk with a ton of stuff in it than to need a softball glove, or a tennis racket, or a desk organizer, or a vase, or a container of uncooked grits, than have no idea where to get those things. It’s a little embarrassing when you get work done on your car, but totally worth it in the long run.
9. Airplanes taking off make me fall asleep instantly. I don’t know if it’s the air pressure, the white noise, the angle, or the comfy seat (haha) but not many things knock me out like take-off.
10. It’s easier to bump into someone from your distant past than your recent past. I have to admit: I don’t always say hi. Not to you of course, I’d say hi to you. But I loathe, loathe small talk. I find it easier to get into the real stuff with someone I haven’t seen in years than someone I saw a few months ago. I’d much rather have an awkward conversation that entertains me than a “safe” one that bores me.
11. This country is way too sensitive about expiration dates, especially for condiments. And I write this as a person who has been eating expired food for years. I’m still here! I think they are exaggerated so that people will throw away “old” items to spend money on new ones. Considering world hunger, it’s really a travesty. #longliveourfood #strongstomachs #ihopeidontregretsayingthis
12. People generally love to help. This is something Chas and I disagree about often. I am quick to ask others for help, directions (cliche, I know), questions, anything. It makes him painfully uncomfortable. Nevertheless, she persists. Almost always, people eagerly accept. I know what Cindy is going to say: “That’s because you’re a cute girl!” BUT I really think we take pleasure in helping others, even if it’s just because it makes us feel good about ourselves. The only simple day to day help I do not like to accept is help putting my luggage in the overhead compartment. I know I am short. But I am really strong. And I got that.
So, prove me wrong. Prove me right. I don’t care. I hold these truths to be self-evident. And you really can never buy too many bananas.