What’s that, stream of consciousness? You have something to say?

With another impending sad goodbye (pray for Chas’s/Our Grandma Freida–she’s a true beacon of light), random out of town trips, snow days and delays, and all kinds of other out-of-the-routine stuff, I just have a scrambly feeling. I’m totally fine and actually doing really well. But I’m scrambled. And so is my brain. So here’s a stream of my consciousness.

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1a. A few years ago I was summoned for federal jury duty just a couple months after serving on a Baltimore City jury. Well, I had Dot’s wedding that weekend and big plans to make her a cutting board set so I just didn’t have the time. Aubrey helped me braid my entire head and I wore this outfit. I rode my bike and carried my helmet in with me. Let’s just say, it was a pretty targeted dismissal. This outfit kind of describes my current status. I’m great but I have Zac Hanson braids and the attire of a child just learning to express herself, who got her training wheels off last week.

  1. Please, Loyola Blakefield (and other people trying to be fancy), stop sending envelopes addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Charles Eby.” I am a human person with my own name. Now Chas thinks it’s funny to call me “Mrs. Charles.” Can we leave that kind of misogynist bologna in the 20th century or at least back in 2017? We here. We woke. We women.
  2. I really love hands (not necessarily my own). I miss Gram’s hands.Fat FingerThey were delicate and long and wrinkly and loving. And my grandpop’s fingernails had the most distinct lines on them. I know everyone has lines on their fingernails but his were more pronounced. I feel like they fit him. Straight ridges, like rows of corn, leading to perfectly cut nails. You can actually tell a lot about people from their hands–really unfortunate for me. I have a fat middle finger that seems here to stay, hangnails, remnants of gel polish, signs of anxiety, and a burn per pointer–one from a curling wand, the other from a hot pan.
  3. Did anyone notice that Siri’s voice is different with one of the new iUpdates? I don’t prefer the new one.
  4. My parents used to rent a storage facility for my dad’s books and other things they couldn’t fit in their house. At some juncture (won’t get into it), they moved that stuff back into the house and gave up their…lease? But who, besides Nancy and Dick, are these people with these storage facilities? How do they continue to be built? They must be profitable. If you rent a storage facility, I would like to know more about it. What is in it? Why do you keep it? What is your longterm plan? Who are your “neighbors”? Have you met them? Do you ever visit your things? Are there rats?
  5. My dad thinks LOL stands for “lots of love.” Chas’s mom says it’s “Little Old Lady.”
  6. I have never told anyone this, so why not announce it publicly? When I was a child, I made a deal with myself about dumpsters, libraries, and longevity. If I was within two feet of a dumpster for longer than five seconds, I lost two weeks off the end of my life. The only way to add to the end of my life to counteract dumpsters was to perform a swinging motion with my arms. I had to clap in front and then clap behind my back BUT ONLY in a library. I did not keep track of the math though. I guess I figured god would do that. We’ll see…
  7. When I dream and read, I place characters in houses and settings I have visited. But I do not choose them consciously. Many books and dreams have taken place in Gram’s house, a few in Aunt Mo’s old house in Michigan, and some in the houses of childhood friends.
  8. Are computer updates serious? Does anyone hate anything (aside from like things we should actually hate) more than computer updates? I mean, do what you need to do computer, and leave me the hell alone. How many changes are necessary for Microsoft Word? Sometimes my work computer becomes possessed by the devil and won’t let me do anything until I COMPLETE THE UPDATES. It also highjacks into my email and replaces peoples’ names with weird phrases like “Welcome Attention.” That I really don’t get. For the record, I am totally fine with the current version.
  9. Do you ever stop and think about road names? When were they named? How long will a given road hold the name it has? If I wanted a house on a road with an ugly name, that would be an actual dealbreaker for me. I like mail too much (unless it’s addressed in a sexist way).
  10. Can you believe that people are still out there operating cars without using their blinkers? This might rival my anger with #1.
  11. No #1 is worse.
  12. You–the general you–receive a ton of “blast emails.” Who are the poor suckers who read these things? They must work on some people. Every once in a while, Tom’s gets me and I buy a pair of shoes on a whim. Please don’t tell Tom.
  13. There are a few things in life I try to be in control of at all times with varying levels of success: my email inbox, thank you notes, my water consumption, being kind and generous, an empty kitchen sink, and folded laundry.
  14. Do you ever feel like you’re in a version of The Truman Show? It’s a Jim Carey movie from 1998 in which Truman (Carey) is the center of the whole world he knows. He’s really on a reality TV show without his consent. Sometimes when life gets really strange, I start looking around for cameras–not speed or red light, but cameras just following me.
  15. Flo Rida’s “Low (Apple Bottom Jeans)” turns me into a literal freak. I cannot control my muscles when that song comes on. I love that Katy Buettner’s five-year-old feels the same way. #elsalvie08
  16. A couple weeks ago, I was out in public somewhere and I overheard someone say, “This is gonna sound so crazy but I just felt like such a Pieces.” Yes, she was right. She sounded like a total lunatic.
  17. I think everyone prefers the smaller double-decker shopping carts at the grocery store, right? Why are they the minority?
  18. “Whatever you are, be a good one.” The Internet credits that to Abraham Lincoln but as you guessed, the internet lied again, maybe. According to this, it wasn’t Abe. Oh well, I believe it so so whole heartedly. Why waste your time being mediocre? So whatever you are, be a good one.

Thanks for listening. This was cathartic. Stream of consciousness–OUT!

8 thoughts on “What’s that, stream of consciousness? You have something to say?

  1. I don’t just think LOL stands for LOTS OF LOVE – I know it! There was a world in place and functioning before you were born and we all agreed that LOL is LOTS OF LOVE. Just because younger people want to believe LOL is Laughing Out Loud don’t make so. For every Amandafan reading this comment if you get something from me that says LOL rest assured I LOVE YOU! If you get an LOL from Amanda and others of her ilk you’re getting a Laughing At Loud probably aimed right at you. Which would you prefer? LOL, D and XOXOXO (that ain’t an invitation to play tick, tack, toe!)

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  2. I’m glad you clarified your dad’s take on LOL; when reading comments from your other posts I just assumed your dad was a real jokester kinda guy who was in a perpetual state of laughter…the use of LOL now makes better sense! Also, if you and Katy B’s daughter ever get together to dance to ABJ please let me know, as I’m certain that would be hilarious!
    P.S. – Did you get that fat finger from mom’s league?!

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    • HAHAHA Cassie, you should know my dad IS a jokester and a complete nut. Katy B’s daughter is my spirit toddler. I got the fat finger in flag football in September! Still fat!

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  3. I love #6 so much. It’s SO weird, and amazing. When I was a kid I always thought that I needed to hold my breath if i was near a cemetery so that spirits and ghosts couldn’t enter my body. Sometimes, if I was feeling like a rebel and was around a cemetery (we always passed one on the way to my grandparents), I would start taking deep breaths to invite the ghosts in and see what happens. Nothing happened. Also, an empty kitchen sink – that is speaking to my soul.

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  4. I just popped in here because of the title had “stream of consciousness” in it. I didn’t know what I would find. I guess what I read was amusing and, yes, conscious. You were aware of the world around you. Bravo!
    Oh, and I love the Jim Carey quip. The first time I watched The Truman Show it felt so real. I came to find out that it was, …in a conscious way. We are all the star of our own show. So I guess we’d better act like it, …or check out.
    Anyway. It’s been a pleasure. Stay conscious, aware, and awake.

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  5. 1. LOL means little old lady to me and my Mom, I’ve been calling her my favorite LOL since long before she was one. But your Dad is right in the meaning and I am now going to look back and see if he ever sent that to ME!

    2. I am muddled and my stream of consciousness would make yours look very well organized. I am flying all over the place right now at the thought of losing my Mom even though it is time for her to go God Bless her.

    3. Be the best you is a wonderful truth whoever said it.

    4. LOL from your LOL M-I-L XOX
    (I’m afraid you have nuts on both sides of the family)

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  6. I read this and thought no wonder we’re friends I found myself literally saying “thank you!”. Here are some in particular :

    LOL (actually laughing at your dad’s reply). Not to worry Dick, my mom used to call text messaging “Tex mexing”. Happy and proud to report she is now owner of an iPhone and iPad and sent me gifs before I knew there was the option to. She’s also worth and insta follow @jomadre5 #shamelessplug #iseeyoumom

    I too HATE the mass emails I need to use my fake gmail more often ugh.

    I updated my laptop the other day and it crashed (typically I ignore them)! Thanks for nothing Microsoft.

    I gotta say I am a true Gemini…and I know I’m insane for saying it! #loveagoodhoroscope

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